Expect the Unexpected with Meditation

Let’s Be Like, Really Really Real:

Previously, I tried to come up with a few words to describe meditation. One thing I mentioned, something worth pausing and actually reflecting on, is that meditation can be difficult. Yes, difficult. Challenging. Occasionally “why am I doing this to myself?” hard, especially when you’re first getting started. I bring this up so we can take a moment to check your expectations about what a practice actually is… and what it might (or might not immediately) bring into your life when you begin.

Any new activity can feel impossible when you first begin. I remember watching Olympic ice skaters as a kid, so graceful, so dynamic, so effortlessly magical. Then I stepped onto an ice rink for the first time and immediately learned that my future gold-medal career would not be happening. I spent the next few hours slipping, sliding, and falling in ways that defied physics, eventually ending the day nursing my bruised ego with a heroic, borderline-medically-necessary bowl of ice cream.

When starting something new, I find it helpful to think of the activity as the beginning of a new relationship. It is almost like we are courting this new thing to see if we have any real potential together. What will this relationship become? Sometimes we discover an instant connection, like meeting an old friend we somehow misplaced for years. Other times we realize there is no natural chemistry at all and that building a relationship will require patience, effort, and a generous willingness to compromise.

Media coverage around meditation can really amplify our expectations. We see influencers and retreat photos of people in flowing outfits sitting in perfect lotus position, tilting their heads toward the sun with that serene smile that suggests they have achieved inner peace and possibly levitated earlier that morning. From the outside, it looks like pure bliss. On the inside, we have absolutely no idea what is going on. So I caution, take care with what thoughts and ideas might arise in you when viewing these types of images.

I realize I am not exactly selling meditation with fireworks and confetti at this point. You may even be wondering, "how is this guy an advocate for meditation?" Fair question. But I truly believe it is better to be honest about what the practice can feel like in the beginning rather than hand you a set of shiny, unrealistic expectations that will only frustrate you later.

I absolutely advocate exploring a meditation practice. One hundred percent. It can be life changing for so many people. Discovering a sense of peace within yourself that does not depend on anything in the outside world is a profound experience and it transforms people in truly remarkable ways.

What is truly important to understand is that if you struggle with meditation, there is nothing wrong with you. You are not broken or insufficient or somehow missing the meditation gene. It is a skill, for lack of a better word, and like any skill it improves the more you work with it and the more consistently you practice.

Most importantly, I recommend taking a moment to notice what expectations you may have built up before starting a practice. If you can, leave them at the door entirely. Expectations have a way of barging in and taking over the room, so it helps to kindly show them out before you sit down.

Level-set:

This is something I truly wish I had understood when I first started. It is so important to level set and let go of any expectations you have built up or accidentally adopted along the way. Holding on to those stories can create a false and sometimes unkind narrative, and there is no reason to make your practice harder than it needs to be.

I was always naturally drawn to spirituality and meditation, yet I spent a long time feeling genuinely frustrated and convinced I was somehow ill equipped. I struggled with the practice, which felt confusing because I wanted it so deeply and believed it could bring real peace. The struggle did not match the longing, and for a while that mismatch created a lot of inner turmoil.

One thing I was missing at this time (and to be honest, still missing at times) is patience. Patience with my practice and with my seemingly uncontrollable mind.

When you meditate, there will be times when you sit down and are almost immediately quiet. Whereas at other times, it's like constant black and white static on a television (those of us who remember what that is) … or a more current reference, you've got no bars and can't connect to the internet. It’s important to know that every time you sit to meditate the experience will be different.

There are so many factors that influence a meditation session. For example, if your mind has been very active or you have a lot of stress in your life, it may take longer to settle because your attention is tangled up in whatever drama is currently unfolding. We become emotionally invested in the stories that play out in our minds. It can feel a bit like gripping an electric fence; even though we know we should let go, it seems impossible in the moment.

Other times, you may sit down and become quiet almost instantly with very little effort. There are several things you can do to help your practice settle more easily, and I will talk about those in future posts.

Expectations:

If we start out believing meditation will be easy, it helps to pause and ask where that idea came from. As with almost everything in life, we have to be wary of shiny sales promises. Even well-being practices are not immune to clever marketing. Leave your expectations at the door and give each session the chance to unfold without any mental storyline trying to take over.

You might see a social media influencer looking completely blissed out while sitting in a field of flowers. On the outside they appear serene and glowing. On the inside it could be a full fledged circus of thoughts and chaos. We never truly know what someone else is experiencing, no matter how peaceful they look.

Unemployed:

I realize this is yet another example of why I should never be hired for a sales job. Yes, you can absolutely reach deeper and deeper levels of peace, but it may take time. The beautiful part is that with a consistent practice, those levels keep expanding. Some of my most meaningful moments have been when I reached a new, unfamiliar level of stillness that felt so rich and calming I could not imagine anything deeper. Then, out of the blue, something would shift again and I would find myself settling into an even greater sense of contentment that I did not even know existed. This kind of unfolding can continue to happen through your practice.

Like anything in life, meditation requires practice, practice, and more practice. I will say that in my many years of teaching, I met a handful of people who were naturally skilled meditators from the very beginning, and they ended up teaching me quite a bit. But they were rare. As with any other life skill, some people simply have a natural proclivity for it.

Because meditation can be challenging, it is important to re-energize and motivate yourself when you hit a difficult stretch. One way to help with this is to keep a journal nearby and write down any meditation experiences that had a positive impact on you. Capture as much detail as you can. Write it like a letter to yourself that no one else will ever read. If you really describe the experience fully, then during a difficult time you can revisit that entry and feel yourself returning to that moment. In a way, you can re-live it and use it as fuel to keep going.

It is no different from training for a marathon. You do not step out your front door and immediately run twenty-six miles without preparation. You train. You build up gradually. You start somewhere, but you do not start at the finish line.

As you train over time, you start to notice your strength growing. You feel new muscles waking up and introducing themselves. You get excited as your stamina increases. You feel genuine satisfaction when you find your stride. You savor the clarity that arrives at the end of each session. And the journey keeps unfolding from there.

Takeaways:

• • As with starting anything new, be clear about your reasons for beginning and take a moment to notice whether you have created any expectations around meditation.

  • Meditation is a practice, and like any practice it takes time. You will have good sessions and not so good sessions. Just like good days and less than perfect days, one usually follows the other. Nothing stays the same.

Have a specific meditation or mindfulness questions you'd like to discuss? Feel free to drop me a note on my website.

I wish you peace on your journey