Holiday Haze: How Anticipation Creates Holiday Stress and Anxiety (and How Mindfulness Helps)

Panettone, Family, and the Holiday Head Game

Along with making disparaging comments about fruitcakes, one of our most cherished age-old holiday traditions is being coerced into attending gatherings with family, friends, coworkers, or acquaintances. And then there is the anticipation of what those gatherings will do to our psyche, whether the experience will be revelatory or utterly chaotic.

For many of us, especially with the more non-celebratory events, there is a feeling that the people you are going to encounter, or the situation you will be in, is going to trigger you in some way you are not looking forward to. Naturally, we start activating all kinds of ineffective anticipatory thought patterns.

Of course, anticipation is not always an opposing force; sometimes it helps us prepare, plan, and avoid regret. But it can also run away with us, especially during high-stakes or emotionally charged situations.

And I understand, not everyone celebrates the same holidays, or any holiday at all, but most of us can relate to the stress of social obligations, whether they happen in December, July, or on a random Tuesday afternoon.

The Anticipation Spiral (Now With Oscar-Worthy Drama)

Unwelcome emotions begin to creep in, slowly at first. Then, the closer we get to the experience, the feelings can become all-encompassing. We may feel anxious, excited, filled with dread, or, best case, ambivalent. And for some of us, these feelings do not just creep in... they kick the door down. If you live with anxiety, trauma, or long-conditioned emotional responses, this experience can feel even more intense.

Our bodies grow more tense day by day as the event approaches, and the scenarios playing out in our minds become more elaborate, conjuring Oscar-worthy performances from all the characters involved.

Please note, I add humor here not to downplay the heaviness of what you might be feeling, but to give the mind a little breathing room. Sometimes a touch of levity makes the difficult stuff feel a bit more workable.

Future-Focused Mind States: The Mechanics of Anticipation

As you may know, one of my favorite mindfulness activities is breaking down and looking at the structure of our mental states. If we look at anticipation, it is a future-focused mind state, very similar to mentally setting expectations. In this moment, here and now, we are engaging our minds in creating fictional future scenarios about how we believe an event or situation is going to play out.

I think Tim Curry said it best when he played Dr. Frank-N-Furter in The Rocky Horror Picture Show: “I see you shiver with antici-” [audience yells, “Say it!”] “-pation!”

Low-Budget Time Travel in Your Head

When our minds engage in this habit of focusing on a future event, they conjure up the emotions we expect will show up in those imagined scenarios, and then teleport those emotions and reactions back into the present moment. The body reacts by filling with tension, facing this imaginary experience as if it were real and happening right now. It can even overwrite and interfere with what is actually taking place right now. In my opinion, it is a very low-brow form of time travel, with cheap special effects to boot.

And sometimes, to be fair, our concerns are based on past experience. Some gatherings really do have a history of going sideways. So your mind is not being dramatic; it is trying to protect you, even if its timing and delivery could use some refinement.

The challenge is that your mind does not realize those emotions we have manufactured are not actually happening; they are completely imaginary. Our poor minds do not know the difference between the imaginary and the actual; they react the same to both. We indulge in imaginary disagreements and anticipated arguments, and then feel stressed in this moment. 

You have manufactured the emotions and then have to experience them. I am sure it feels like that was not in the job description when your mind applied. It is a pity we cannot slap a tariff on all this back-and-forth; at least we would find a way to profit from the situation.

And just to be clear, this is not about blame. You are not doing anything wrong. The mind manufactures emotions automatically, often without our permission. Understanding the mechanism is simply a way of reclaiming a little power back.

When Reality Ignores the Script

When the event finally occurs, how often does it play out exactly how we anticipated it would? Do we try to force those anticipated scenarios into the situation to match the plan in our mind? Have we overlaid these imaginary scenarios so intensely that we do not see other opportunities and possibilities? We end up trying to force the experience into a template we have created.

I like to believe that there are endless possibilities available in each and every moment. Our desire for control and comfort limits our ability to see or experience this. The things we want to experience, we try to force, and the things we do not want to experience, we try so hard to stifle. And if you recognize yourself in this, you are in very good company.

Mindfulness and the Vanishing Moment

I have found that time takes on new dimensions with a steady mindfulness practice. When I look back in perspective, I recall how much time I would spend focusing on an upcoming situation, and then, blip, the situation is over, it has passed, and I am already in a different situation, reflecting back and feeling almost bewildered that it is done.

Time always seems to move faster than I acknowledge. And when an experience was actually happening, was I even there for it? Or was I busy playing out all the possibilities I had dreamt up, monitoring them to see if they would actually play out?

Some time after I started my mindfulness practice, I noticed that I seldom spent time focused on future events. Experiences that would previously have been stress-inducing, like a dentist appointment to get a tooth filled, I no longer thought about until I was actually sitting in the dentist’s chair and my gums were becoming numb. The same was true for things like the anxiety of a presentation at work; I learned, more and more, to go with the flow.

Additionally, so often things arise in a situation that completely surprise me, making the experience all the richer. Had I been focused on trying to make something specific happen, I more than likely would have missed them.

Planning Without Moving In With the Future

And I get it, it is often helpful and sometimes necessary to prepare for an event in advance. So, like any other activity, stop and spend some time planning.

• Set aside time just to plan

• Play out your “what if” scenarios

• Then stop and move on to the next activity

• When things change, stop and re-plan on purpose

Change is part of the constant drumbeat of life.

The goal is not to stop thinking about the future entirely; that would be impossible and wildly impractical. It is about choosing when you think about it so it does not hijack the moments in between.

And for those of us who live with ADHD, autism, or any neurodivergent wiring, future-thinking or scenario-spinning might be part of how your brain stays safe or makes sense of things. There is no right way your mind should function. We are just exploring options, not imposing rules.

Living Here Instead of Out There

When we live in the future, we diminish the current moment we are engaged with right here, right now. Understandably, we may be bored and so we start daydreaming. We can be in an otherwise peaceful situation, but the mind’s wandering and conjuring are busy creating chaos.

There is a richness to life when you are present in the moment. And really, it has very little to do with the external circumstances, locations, or people around you. It is all inner-focused. It is you being peaceful, quiet, and still inwardly, and allowing life to play out as it will. Whether we are anticipating situations that are good, bad, or mundane, it does not matter; it is what is going on inside that determines where peace is found.

And look, being present is not always easy or accessible. Some days the mind just is not willing to cooperate, and that is human. Presence is not perfection; it is simply noticing when you have drifted and gently coming back.

A Shift in Perspective

Mindfulness is not a magic wand, and it will not eliminate all your anxiety, but it can change your relationship to it in a way that feels gentler and more manageable.

It is helpful to make a perspective shift when it comes to mindfulness. Rather than constantly focusing on the future, we can remember that future moments will come when they come. The real question is: will I be there for them, and can I be present for this moment now, regardless of how I feel about it?

See if you can begin to notice how you are creating and conjuring up emotions that do not actually exist. Here is the critical item (get out your highlighters, folks): It can be surprising to realize how often we create these emotions ourselves. They are pure fiction. These events are not happening. Like some half-mad wizard of your own creation, you are manufacturing these emotions and reacting to imaginary scenarios. That reaction is pointing to something you are feeling, so go to the root and examine what is causing it. Ask yourself, “Why does this matter anyway?”

If you notice you are projecting into the future, gently tell yourself to come back to this moment now. Allow yourself to let go of the future projection. This is a muscle that takes time to build, so have patience with yourself as you begin training it.

You might gently ask yourself why you are trying to push this future projection anyway. What is it that has you anxious about this future situation? Do you feel inadequate? Do you have a fear of being judged?

Be curious. Tell yourself, “I accept that I am stressed or excited, but I am not going to focus on all the what-ifs. I will show up and see what happens.”

Mindful Moves

And because all of this can feel a bit philosophical, here are some practical things that genuinely help in real-world moments.

• Notice when you are projecting into the future

• Acknowledge the emotions you are manufacturing

• Investigate why this future situation matters so much

• Return to this moment, on purpose

• Choose curiosity over control: “I will show up and see what happens.”